WE FELL PREGNANT JANUARY 2010. FROM THE BEGINNING I DIDNT FEEL GOOD. IN MAY 2010 WE FOUND OUT IT WAS A BOY, WE DECIDED ON THE NAME KEAGAN. THINKING BACK I WAS REALLY NEGATIVE ABOUT THE WHOLE PREGNANCY. I GOOGLED MISCARRIAGE, STILBIRTHS... WHY? I WAS CARRYING VERY SMALL AND IT REALLY BOTHERED ME. ON THE 30TH OF SEPTEMBER I WENT TO MY DOCTOR(NOT MY DOCTOR ANYMORE) FOR A SCAN, I DIDNT FEEL KEAGAN MOVE AS OFTEN AS I SHOULD. I SAT IN THE WAITING ROOM, PRAYING. I TOLG GOD THAT DAY THAT IF HE WANTS TO TAKE KEAGAN THEN ITS OK. ITS FINE, I PREPARED MYSELF TO NOT SEE A HEARTBEAT ON THE SONAR MACHINE. I WAS SO NERVOUS WALKING TO THE LITTLE DARK ROOM. BUT THERE IT WAS KEAGAN'S HEARTBEAT WAS STILL GOING STRONG. NOTHING WRONG SAID DOC. OK GOD SO EVERYTHING IS FINE, THANK GOODNESS. THAT WAS A WEDNESDAY. FRIDAY NIGHT I SPOKE TO A FRIEND AND I TOLD HER IT FEELS LIKE THE DEATH ANGEL IS ALL AROUND ME, GIVE ME THE CREEPS TO THINK ABOUT IT NOW... SATURDAY WE WENT TO A WEDDING AND AS WE WERE GETTING READY I WAS THINKING PLEASE KEAGAN JUST KICK SO I KNOW YOU ARE FINE, DOMINIQUE CAME TO SIT ON MY LAP AND THERE IT WAS... A WONDERFUL KICK. LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT MAY HAVE BEEN HIS LAST MOVEMENT. SUNDAY I FELT SICK SICK SICK. ON MONDAY I STARTED HAVING THESE INTENSE BACKPAINS. IT FELT LIKE SOMETHING HEAVY WAS STANDING ON MY BACK THEN JUMP OFF AGAIN AND IT WAS BLISS. IT WAS CONTRACTIONS. I WAS SO EXCITED. ON TUESDAY MORNING I GOT UP EARLY AND STILL WASHED ALL KEAGANS BOTTLES AND PUT MY SUITCASE AND HIS BAG IN A PLACE WERE HUBBY CAN JUST GRABBED IT. I HAD A NICE LONG SHOWER AND I DROPPED DOMINIQUE OFF AT SCHOOL. I WENT TO WORK WERE I QUICKLY FINISHED ALL THE LAST MINUTE ACCOUNTS ETC. I STILL PHONED MY DOCTOR. THEY TOLD ME TO GO STRAIGHT TO HOSPITAL. I WAS SO NERVOUS/EXCITED. TODAY MY LIFE AND MY FAMILY'S LIFE WILL CHANGE FOREVER. I WENT TO THE MATERNITY WARD AND A NURSE TOOK ME TO A DELIVERY ROOM. NEXT DOOR WAS A LADY GIVING BIRTH AND I COULD HEAR EVERYTHING. I WAS ALONE THERE, HUBBY WAS WORKING, MOTHER WAS ON HER WAY AND MOTHER IN LAW WAS IN PRETORIA. I WAS TALKING TO MY FRIEND THE WHOLE TIME, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT WE CANT BELIEVE THE DAY HAS FINALLY CAME. THEN A NURSE CAME IN, SHE PUT THE HEART MONITOR ON MY TUMMY. SHE BATTLED TO FIND THE HEARTBEAT BUT SHE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING. I LOOKED AT HER FACE AND I TOLD HER IF SOMETHING IS WRONG SHE BETTER TELL ME. SHE SAID NOTHING IS WRONG BUT SHE CANT GET A CLEAR HEARTBEAT. FINALLY SHE GOT A HEARTBEAT, WASNT LOUD BUT IT WAS THERE. THEN SHE TOLD ME IT SOUNDS IRREGULAR AND SHE IS GOING TO PHONE MY DOCTOR. THE DOCTOR CAME AND EXAMINED ME. EVERYTHING LOOKS FINE HE SAID BUT LETS DO YOUR C-SECTION TONIGHT. MMMMMM.... NOW MY HEAD WAS SPINNING. DOMINQIUE, HUBBY. BUT AS SOON AS THE DOCTOR LEFT THE ROOM THE NURSE STARTED TO PREP ME FOR THEATHRE. SHE IS NOT HAPPY, I NEED AN EMERGENCY C-SECTION AND I NEED IT NOW. OK SO NOW I WAS FREAKING OUT. PHONED HUBBY CRYING.... TELLING HIM NOT TO SAY ANYTHING TO DOMINIQUE, NOTHING WAS ACTUALLY READY, WAS I IN DENIAL ABOUT HAVING THIS BABY. LUCKILY MY MOM WAS THERE. THEY PUT ME UNDER FULL NARCOTICS, THE LAST THING I WAS THINKING WAS I DIDNT SAY GOODBYE TO HUBBY OR DOMINIQUE.... I FELT SOOO ALONE... I WASNT PREPARED. THEN I WAS GONE..... I WOKE UP. LOOKING AROUND. THERE WERE NURSES ALL AROUND ME. I ASKED WERE IS MY BABY?.... NO ONE ANSWERED ME... I SPOKE LOUDER WERE IS MY BABY?... STILL NO ANSWER NOT EVEN EYE CONTACT. SO I STARTED SHOUTING BUT THE NURSES JUST FLATLY IGNORED ME. THEY PUSHED ME OUT OF THE RECOVERY ROOM AND I SAW MY MOM... AND THAT WAS THE MOMENT MY WHOLE WORLD CRASHED... I KNEW.... I JUST SAID I KNEW IT I KNEW IT.... ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS DOMINIQUE AND MY HUBBY. IAN CAME AND WE DIDNT TALK WE JUST HELD EACH OTHER CRYING.... ONE NURSE CAME BY AND SAID IF WE WANT TO WE CAN SEE KEAGAN, I DIDNT WANT TO. BUT SHE SAID THAT WE MUST REALLY THINK ABOUT IT. WE AGREED. SHE BROUGHT KEAGAN TO US... HE WAS PERFECT. HIS BODY WAS PERFECT.... HE WEIGHED 2.34KG. BUT THERE WAS NO LIFE... I CANT EXPLAIN THE HURT, THE HELPLESSNESS A PERSON FEELS. ITS LIKE YOU FEEL YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING... LIKE A FEELING OF EMPTINESS... ALL OF A SUDDEN WE HAD TO ORGANISE A FUNERAL. ORGANISE THIS, ORGANISE THAT. IT FELT LIKE THE WORLD WAS GOING CRAZY AROUND ME AND I WAS STANDING STILL.... HIS FUNERAL WAS SO BEAUTIFUL AND WE DID A BLESSING CEREMONY BEFORE THE FUNERAL. HIS COFFIN WAS WHITE AND SO SMALL WITH ONE SINGLE ROSE ON IT. WE SPENT SOME TIME ALONE WITH KEAGAN, SAYING OUR LAST GOODBYES.
